Meals on Wheels

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful — she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way — but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on.

The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.

A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth.

The earth was no better for them than it was the cat.

They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.

One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful.

The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

Movie Computers Ain’t My Computer

- Word processors never display a cursor.

- You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

- All monitors display inch-high letters.

- High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

- Those that don’t will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

- Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing “ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES” on any keyboard.

- Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing “UPLOAD VIRUS.” (See “Fortress”)

- All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer, even if it’s turned off.

- Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

- All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.

- People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

Be Kind Rewind Movie Review

Michel Gondry burst into the filmmaking scene with the Charlie Kaufman penned 2001 feature, “Human Nature”, A bizarre, yet relatively insightful look at human sexual impulse and the impact of cultural behaviours within social constructs. While the film certainly had a first time filmmakers flaws and too greatly resembled the Bjork music videos Gondry is known for, it demonstrated a unique and welcome vision for the future. This was fully realized with his follow up film “Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind”; a sad and beautiful movie about human the human struggle, neuroses, insecurity, and the need to experience pain and loss in order to learn and grow.

Google expands free phone number and voicemail project

Google is partnering with homeless shelters in San Francisco to distribute free phone numbers and voicemail accounts to those without homes, the company said Wednesday.

The Internet giant is expanding a service that was started by Grand Central, a San Francisco-based start-up that Google acquired last year. Grand Central’s technology allows calls to be routed to a home, business, or cell phone using a single phone number. The service offers people a way to organize and unify their communications, a Google spokesman said.

Something to Digg

Don’t you love farce? The Internet has a strange appetite for look-alikes of one peculiar website. And no matter how many times they – forgive me – send in the clones, the idea refuses to catch.

You may or may not be familiar with Digg. It’s a very large and very successful site on which people submit pages from around the Web and vote on their favourites. The pages with the most votes get promoted to the front page, where they get even more attention.

Then there are Digg clones. The Web just keeps popping them out. Most promise to do more or less the same thing as Digg, but with slightly different verbiage. Look – here’s another one now! Just this Tuesday, Yahoo coughed up something called “ Buzz.” Instead of “Digging” stories on Digg, readers on Buzz can “Buzz up” the stories they like.

Canada dollar adds to gains on surging commodities

TORONTO (Reuters) – The suddenly red-hot Canadian dollar hit its highest level of 2008 versus the U.S. dollar on Wednesday as lofty commodity prices helped the currency build on sharp gains recorded earlier this week.

Domestic bond prices had no key Canadian data to consider but still managed to build on gains made during the previous session given widespread expectations for further interest rate cuts in the United States.

The Canadian dollar closed at US$1.0196, valuing a U.S. dollar at 98.07 Canadian cents, up from US$1.0179, valuing a U.S. dollar at 98.24 Canadian cents, at Tuesday’s close.

Microsoft Launches New Server Software

SEATTLE (AP) — Microsoft Corp. launched a new version of its server operating system with great fanfare Wednesday, but analysts said Windows Server 2008 is an incremental update rather than a giant leap forward.

At a Los Angeles event that opened with a speech by former news anchor Tom Brokaw, Microsoft also unveiled a new edition of Visual Studio 2008, used by computer programmers to create desktop and Web applications. The event also promoted a third program, Microsoft’s SQL Server 2008 database system, which won’t be available until the third quarter of this year.

Whoopi Makes Peace with Oscar Oops

Whoopi Goldberg would like to thank the Academy…for apologizing for her Oscar-night slight.

Three days after being left out of a montage highlighting past hosts—despite being not only the first female emcee, but the first black one as well—and two days after getting choked up about her televised absence on The View, Goldberg told E! News that the ceremony’s longtime producer, Gil Cates, had personally phoned her to make amends for the gross oversight.

“Gil called yesterday and said, ‘I would have called you Monday but I hadn’t slept,’ ” she said, explaining the one-day lag time between her emotional episode and the subsequent apology. “He said, ‘Listen, I missed it. I didn’t realize it wasn’t in there.’ “

Vow of Silence

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, “I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!” Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, “I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!” Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, “I am fed up with this constant bickering!”

Sun’s Schwartz Stands by Free Software in Bid to Boost Sales

Feb. 27 (Bloomberg) — Sun Microsystems Inc. Chief Executive Officer Jonathan Schwartz, criticized by analysts for giving away the company’s software, defended the plan, saying it will boost sales of server computers needed to operate the programs.

“There was an era that is coming to an end in which a premium was paid for proprietary software,” he said yesterday in a telephone interview. “Free and open solutions were looked at as a bit of a sideshow.”